We Can Never Go Home
by AmySparkles
Summary: Everything has changed, but there still the same... What happens when you don't know if that applies to you?


This was part of the Round 15 Nick Fic song challenge over at Talk CSI... It's based on the song 'The moment I said it' by Imogen Heap...There is a longer version of this story sitting in my 'finished stories' folder but I'm just not sure about posting, I don't exactly know why.. :P It pretty much contains what's here except with a few added bits and it's got an alternative ending... Who knows I may decide to post it later.. Oh well, can you tell I'm a pretty indecisive person?.. Hehe.. Oh well I hope you enjoy..

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'Nick…'

Everything's too bright, the overhead lights adding to his frustration. He can feel eyes boring into him, leaving burns all over him. He can see cold metal in each of their hands, all but one. He must be the important one if he doesn't carry his own gun.

They look worried, as if someone just let the tiger loose from the circus. They can't tame him, he's getting out of there if it's the last thing he does. He moves around and he can feel them all tense up.

'Don't move...'

'Stop.' He cuts them off, he can't listen anymore, all they do is tell lies. There's a blur behind them, flashlights dance across the floor. He looks towards the doors behind and smiles. There's a brilliant light coming in, illuminating the entire room. He can feel a pull towards it, everything around him fades into white noise. He steps forward but his legs feel heavy.

Nick's smile fades as he looks down, the light is casting shadows in the room. Shadows of the people in front of him stretch across the floor, he stagers backwards as they come closer. The light's burning his eyes. It wraps around everything and creates shadows that bounce towards him in a blur.

They whisper to each other. He can see their mouths move but can't hear their voices. They shoot glances his way, it's like they think he can't see them. He wants to run past them and never be standing where he is again. He raises his hands and catches the sharp look that enters the wide eyes of the older man in front of him. They all take a breathe and the look that passes between them scares him.

Nick looks down and he notices a glint of light bounce off something in his hand. He suddenly feels the extra weight causing his arm to shake as he pulls his hand closer to his body.

'Wait, listen to me Nicky…' Nick's head snaps up at the last word he heard. A flash of faces past through his mind.

Four of them haven't spoken, they just stare him in the eye. One of them looks tired, defeated as if he doesn't want to be there. It's like this is the final chapter of a long book he never wanted to read.

'Why?' Nick's head starts to feel heavy. The bright light coming from outside flickers as though it is losing power. Everything else in the room seems so much darker, Nick squints to try and see everything better.

The taller man starts to move forward and scares Nick.

'Warrick, stop.'

_Warrick. _It's familiar. The lights brighter, it's making his head hurt and vision blur. He brings his hands up to cover his ears, it's like everything inside him is trying to burst its way through his head.

'Woah wait… Nicky come on, put that down. Just listen to me bro…' Warrick's voice is too loud and Nick steps back to escape. It's like he's been buried underground and suddenly thrown into a packed nightclub, it's too much. Nick thinks about the underground and images of ants and a gun and dirt all flash through his mind.

'Nicky.' It's the voice that told Warrick to stop. It sounds low but yet firm. It captures Nick's attention magically, as if he would hang on his every word.

They're calling him Nicky. It's warm and familiar when Warrick and the woman say it but from the older man it's patronising somehow.

'Look at me Nicky.' He looks up at the older man. His hair is almost grey.

Nick looks down at the floor and starts to feel weak. There's blood all around him, he can see his footprints sprawled across the floor.

'What did you do?' Nick stares at them with dark eyes. It's like he's trapped in a house of horrors and only just noticed.

'Nicky, we didn't...' The woman is talking, her voice seems urgent like there's a timer counting down to the moment she'll be too late.

The balding man steps forward, he's a little short but Nick can feel the authority surrounding him. His face softens as he looks at Nick, it holds only the slightest whisper of a smile but to Nick it looks fatherly.

'Hey Kid.' It's as if there anywhere but here. Nick feels as though he has bumped into this man while out for coffee but there's a familiarity, a sense of safety. He gives Nick a half-hearted smile that fades as soon as it appears, but it's warm and Nick reacts to it like a lifeline.

'I know you.'

'Yes you do Nicky.' The corners of his mouth moved upwards ever so slightly when he said Nicky, like he was trying to smile. Nick can feel the connection between them of many memories even though his brain is trying to short-circuit as they speak. Nick doesn't move an inch.

'We should talk.'

'Yeah?' Everything has focused on the balding man in front, as if the world's highlighting his saviour.

'What happened Nicky?'

It's the key to his front door. Warrick. Kelly Gordon. Brass. Nigel Crane. Catherine. Sara. Cassie. Grissom. Greg. Amy Hendler. Years of images make themselves known, good and bad. He sees guns pointed at him, dirt surrounding him. He sees Warrick taking a jump-shot and Sara tripping over his bag in the locker room, Grissom swinging a Level 3 CSI badge in front of him and Brass telling him a joke about cowboys. He sees Nigel Crane pushing him out of a window and Grissom telling him a riddle.

'Guys?'

Relief floods the room, chases away bad memories and wraps around him like a blanket. Their faces drop, relaxing yet still anxious. Fireworks of light explode in front of Nick's eyes. They take over and Nick struggles to focus on Brass.

'Nicky, come over here.' Grissom looks at him with pain in his eyes. In another world Nick would ask Grissom why his usually cold eyes only now portray warmth?

'What happened?' Nick doesn't recognise his voice. It sounds foreign, his drawl thicker than usual.

'Just come here Nick.' Nick doesn't like the way Grissom's voice is changing, he wasn't calling him Nicky anymore. There's an air of frustration in his stance.

'Look in the mirror Nicky.'

'Brass…' The frustration increased.

'Stop Gil.' Brass' voice is firm, like steal encasing his most prized jewel.

Nick looked around, past the bright lights from outside, the shadows along the floor and the friends in front.

He sees bullet casings, and blood soaked paper.

He finally sees where the blood has come from. A man is lying on his back at Nick's feet. He cringes and tries to calm his stomach. He looks at his friends and feels everything inside him drop at their faces. They look concerned but Nick sees it in their eyes. They're scared. There's a body at his feet and his friends stand in front of him with fear in their eyes.

'What did I do?'

'Aw Kid, you did nothing. You hear me, nothing.' Something in Brass' voice scared Nick. It was regret and sadness fighting above a hundred other emotions. Nick clung to Brass' voice like he would cling to his mother's hand in a crowd as a child.

'I killed him?'

'I'm so sorry Nicky.' Brass had tears in his eyes, he didn't want to tell Nick what he had done. Brass thought that if he could trade anything in the world right now to be sitting in some diner discussing a case he would. He'd do it in a heartbeat.

'Brass...' Tears began to fall from Nick eyes. He killed someone but couldn't remember why. He felt like screaming.

'Look in the mirror kid.' Brass' voice shook.

'Brass I don't…' Nick wanted to run away, do anything but look towards the large mirror on the wall.

'Come on kid, please.' A single tear slid down Brass' cheek. Nick tried to remember the last time he saw Brass cry, he couldn't.

Nick looked in the mirror.

His face fell. His hair was messy, sticking up in places while the front was plastered to his forehead. That wasn't what caught his attention. His hair was darker across the right side of his head, matted with drying blood. The right side of his face and neck were covered with red liquid leaving trails across his skin. He looked down at his shirt as a parallel image popped into his mind. He was looking at himself in the mirror at home, closing a button on his crisp white shirt. The image was grainy, like he was looking at it on a black and white television. It seemed long ago, yet Nick didn't know what had happened between then and now.

Now he knew why his friends were fighting tears. He looked a mess. His skin felt tight from the dried blood but was cold and pale behind the dark.

His eyes seemed far away, as if they were buried behind tonnes of rubble.

'Brass… I can't… Brass?' The last word nearly broke Brass' heart. Nick's voice had grown quiet and Brass was suddenly aware of how young Nick looked. He was a small child in the middle of a war zone.

Brass swallowed the lump in his throat. He tried to speak, comfort Nick but the words wouldn't come.

'Nicky. Everything will be okay.' Catherine attempted to do what Brass couldn't but her voice cracked with disillusionment after every word.

As Nick looked to his friends for answers he saw defeat. They each looked like they had aged ten years. Nick thought maybe they had, he couldn't remember any birthday parties recently.

Brass' eyes held compassion but his face turned serious.

'We haven't seen you in months.'

Nick's world fell apart as Brass' face softened again. His mind held the grainy image of buttoning his shirt in front of the bathroom mirror, as if it was only that morning. His breath quickened, his vision began to swim as realisation rained down. He looked down at the body on the floor as Brass followed his line of vision.

'He's one of the men that took you. We were working on a case involving a drug's gang and…'

Brass shouldn't be telling him this much. He wasn't supposed to compromise a victim's memory but this wasn't a victim, this was Nicky and Brass would be damned if he just stood there and watched as Nick fell apart while not knowing what was going on.

Nick knew he should be listening, but for some reason his mind kept wandering.

One thought began to consume him.

'Where were you?' It was whispered but its effect was as though he had shouted it to the world.

Brass' eye darkened, he brought a hand to his forehead and covered his eyes. Nick looked past him and saw tears that stained Warrick's face, a hand covering Catherine's mouth and Greg's eyes fixated on the floor. Grissom looked him straight in the eye, then his head bowed and Nick saw the figure of a broken, guilt riddled man.

Nick's vision blurred. He wanted to run away, never see his friends darkened eyes again. All he saw in them was the future he would never have. Nick's breath caught in his throat and his friends fell sideways before standing straight again. The light from the door blinded him and the pain in his head spiked.

Nick heard sirens. Brass turned slightly and looked at the door. Nick saw fear in his eyes, it was reflected in each of them. Nick's stomach dropped as he realised what would soon happen. Brass stepped forward.

'No, no, no… Brass.' Nick sounded desperate, his voice thick with southern drawl and broken emotions.

'Grissom please.' Grissom's head stayed bowed and Nick cursed him.

'Kid.' Brass stepped forward, Nick scrambled back but hit the wall behind. He felt trapped and defeated. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew Brass had to do it but he hated him for it.

'Warrick, stop him.' Warrick tilted his head slightly and his mouth opened as tears fell onto his cheek, he turned away as Catherine put her hand on him.

Brass looked down and held back tears, he stepped forward and put his hand on Nick's arm.

'Nicholas Sto…' His voice broke and tears cascaded down his face, he lowered his hand and rubbed his forehead.

'Brass, you can't. It's Nick.' Greg spoke and captured Nick's attention. There was no trace of tears on his face but what Nick saw in his eyes told him much more. Greg looked crushed and it killed Nick. He looked younger than he had before, vulnerable. It was as if someone told him Santa wasn't real.

'Greg.' Brass' voice was harsh and Nick wanted to shout at him to give Greggo a break but Greg wasn't the one that would have his world come crashing down around him.

Nick's head felt like it would explode. He jumped when doors containing the bright lights burst open and blinded him. He raised his hand to cover his eyes. A spark of light hit the weight in his hands, bouncing into Nick's vision. Men dressed in black Kevlar swarmed the room and began to surround him.

Nick moved forward, his legs finally gave in and the room swayed around him. He took one last look at his friends before his world tilted and his body smashed into the ground followed by his head.

Brass' face appeared, followed by the others. He saw worried expressions and wanted to tell them that it was okay, his head didn't hurt anymore.

He blinked, his friends were moving too quickly. Their bodies blurring together, like an unfocused picture. He heard voices, calling his name and Brass screaming at someone out of sight. He felt a hand holding his head off the wet floor. He looked for Warrick and saw his screaming face looking towards the door.

'Everything's going to be alright Nicky.'

Catherine was wiping his face, Nick realised he could still taste his salty tears. He tried to speak but Catherine's fingers brushed across his lips, silencing him. Greg was gripping his bicep and Nick squirmed under everyone's attention. His eyes moved to the side and caught sight of the floor, reminding him of the blood. Grissom's legs blocked his view and he followed them up to his face. His eyes were glossy.

Nick tried to struggle, it was a lost cause, his body couldn't interpret what his brain was saying.

The SWAT team began to converge on him and his friends. Warrick was yelling at one of them.

Then he saw Grissom mouthing words to him. _I'm sorry I let you down Nicky_.

Nick's mind began to play tricks on him and he saw Grissom's image through Plexiglas.

The voices and the hands holding him began to fade away as the light returned.

Until the darkness came.

...

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.. If you have time I'd love to hear your thoughts/review.. :D


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